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PRE-RELATIONSHIP AGREEMENT
__________________ (herein referred to as "he"), being
of sound mind and fairly good body, agrees to the
following with ___________________ (herein referred
to as "she"):
I. FULL DISCLOSURE
At
the commencement of said relationship (colloquially
referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees
to fully disclose any current marriages, dependent
children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears,
social diseases, strange political affiliations, or
currently active relationships with anyone else that
have not yet been terminated. Further, each party
agrees to make known any deep-seated mother/father/sister/brother
complexes and fanatical obsessions with pets, careers,
or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures
will result in the immediate termination of said relationship
before it has a chance to "get anywhere."
II.
INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS
Both
parties agree to hold the person who arranged the
liaison (colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker"),
__________________ , blameless in the event the "fix-up"
turns out to be a "real loser."
III.
DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP
Should
said relationship proceed past first "fix-up," both
parties mutually agree to use the following terminology
in describing their said "dating": For the first thirty
(30) days, both parties consent to say they are "going
out." (This neither implies nor states any guarantee
of exclusivity); Following the first thirty (30) days,
said parties may say they are "seeing somebody" and
be referred to by third parties as "an item." Sixty
(60) days following the commencement of the "first
date," either member may elect to use the term "boyfriend"
or "girlfriend" and their mutual acquaintances may
refer to them as "a couple." Under NO circumstances
are the phrases "my old lady," "my better half," "the
little lady," or "my old man" acceptable UNLESS used
in a sarcastic manner by third parties born prior
to 1945. If both members of the party consent, this
timetable may be accelerated; however, if either party
"gets too serious" and disregards this schedule, the
other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds
of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to
be "on the market."
IV.
TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY
For
the first thirty (30) days both parties agree not to
ask questions about the other's whereabouts on weekends,
weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable
demands or expectations will be made; both parties agree
they have no "rights" or "holds" on the other's time.
Following the first six (6) weeks or forty-five (45)
days, if one party continues to be "missing in action"
without explanation, the "wounded party" agrees to "give
up."
V.
DATING ETIQUETTE
For the first thirty (30) days, both parties in question
agree to be overly considerate of the other's work pressures,
schedules, and business ambitions. A minimum of four
(4) phone calls will be made between the two parties
during the work week, and each party will attempt--with
best efforts--to originate fifty (50) percent of the
calls. Additionally, for the first two weeks all dates
will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance;
there will be no "running off in the middle of the night"
to console an "old boyfriend," and both parties agree
to strike the phrase "But he/she needs me" from their
vocabularies. Further, during the first six weeks each
member of said relationship agrees to attempt at least
one spontaneuos "home cooked meal" and will arrange
for the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet
of flowers. Following the first forty-five (45) days,
both parties will return to their normal personalities.
VI.
TERMS OF PAYMENT
It
is agreed that--respective gross income aside--"he"
will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, bowling
alleys, discotheques, theaters, and breakfasts until
(a) he considers her suitably impressed, (b) he is broke,
or (c) she says, "This is ridiculous--let's split it."
(Not included in this agreement are meals ordered in
from the bedroom, which are subject to the availability
of discretionary funds on hand at the time.)
VII.
LIVING ARRANGEMENTS
(Occasionanlly
known as the "Why do I bother to keep my own apartment?"
codicil) Should said relationship progress to the point
where the couple spends more than five (5) nights a
week together, every effort shall be made to split the
time evenly between their respective apartments. Further,
it is agreed both sides will attempt to silence the
lewd remarks of landlords, neighbors, and/or roommates.
Additionally, she will avoid having her mother call
at 7:30 in the morning, and he agrees to "pick up after
himself" while in residence at her apartment, including
washing his whiskers out of the sink. (By the same token,
she agrees to keep his place "a mess.")
VIII.
THE NINETY DAY GRACE PERIOD
For
the first three (3) month each member of the couple
agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use
of such phrases like "Let's move in together," "Why
don't we start a family?" and--using archaic terminology--"Let's
get married." Additionally, each party agrees to love,
cherish, honor, and defend the other party's right not
to meet his or her parents.
IX.
THE "L" WORD
For
the first sixty (60) days both parties agree NEVER to
use the phrase "I love you." They may love plants, dogs,
cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans
fits, but NOT EACH OTHER. Failure by one party to abide
by this rule will result in the other party using the
"G" word: "Gone."
X.
GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION
Any
of the following will be considered just cause for the
immediate and final dissolution of said relationship:
Excessive use of chatty French phrases; Ending any sentence
with the sentence: "My former wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend
used to do the same thing;" Suggesting--no matter how
kindly--that the opposite member should seek "help;"
Ending any argument with the phrase: "My therapist thinks
you are...;" Complaining more than twice about the contents
of the other party's refrigerator (or lack thereof).
XI.
DECLARARTION OF STRENGTH
At
the breakup each party reserves the right to make the
other feel guilty by using one or all of the following
phrases: "You'll never find anybody better;" "Nobody
could ever make you happy;" "I'll find somebody who
can really appreciate me:" "I need someone who really
understands me;" "My therapist thinks you are ________________
." (Psychosis to be filled in at the appropriate time.)
XII.
MISCELLANEOUS
Each
party agrees to give the other at least five (5) minutes
notice before terminating said relationship; Both parties
agree to remain exclusive until such time as the relationship
appears to be "on the rocks;" At the termination of
said affair, (1) both parties agree to be mature and
return compiled socks, sweaters, books, tapes, CDs,
keys, and personal undergarments with all due haste
through an intermediary; (2) each party agrees to wait
at least seventy-two (72) hours before engaging in sex
with any of the other party's friends; (3) both parties
agree to refrain from slandering the other for a period
of time of at least seven (7) days (bedroom performance
included), and further consent to use one of the following
nebulous terms in describing the breakup: "The timing
wasn't right"; "He/she wasn't ready for something serious";
"He/she wanted more than I could give"; "He/she was
too involved in his/her career"; "He/she decided to
go back to his/her (a) spouse, (b) last lover, (c) hometown,
(d) therapist.
XIII.
ADDENDUM
After
the initial breakup--no matter what--both parties agree
to "give it at least one more shot."
Agreed
to and accepted this _____ day of ________________,
20____.
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